Sweet Baby Nothings.

The inevitable time of the month is here, which means that I am not pregnant. Its a bit disappointing. I was hoping for good news, I know it sounds odd, but I want to be able to be happy for my sister (who also is pregnant) but whilst I am without child, I cannot be anything but envious. I want what she has. When she complains to me about her morning sickness and back ache, I want to scream out loud at the injustice.

My sister is 17, she thinks she is old enough to be a parent, but I know she isnt. But that isnt what makes me jealous, its the fact that she is going through this before me. The fact that me as her older sister should be the one who is given her advice about the whole baby saga, but in fact....it is she who is enlightening me. I cannot help but have a bit of the green eyed monster in me. I do try hard not to let it show, but bless my sister, she does understand how I am feeling. She may be young but this change in her body has made her mature overnight. Shopping in Mothercare, she saw my face when she pawed over a pair of teeny-tiny-weeny baby socks. Looking at me and clutching hold of my hand, she leant into me and said,

'I know it is difficult, but inside me is your little niece or nephew and they are going to love you.'

I had to stiffle a sob!

I am feeling sorry for myself. So, going to go and find something equally naughty and nice to eat from the cupboard. A possible choice of chocolate, chocolate of erm, Chocolate!!

Baby Blues.....before the baby!

Two months ago, me and my husband sat down together and had the talk. The one which takes us into the future and scarily looks at the build up of responsibility.

We had the 'Shall we have kids' talk. And after much deliberation and hard thought, we decided that the time was right and surprisingly, I felt tremendously excited. We started trying straight away and spent hours in the bedroom, trying to create a mini him and her..... but two months later and two periods down the road, I am still trying to concieve.

Many might think, well....its only been two months, give it time....But I have never really been strong on patience, so I want it now. Everyday since we decided to take this huge step, I find myself thinking about babies more and more. Every child in a pram or pushchair has me cooing and slightly envious. The envy is growing stronger each day, especially as my sister has since confirmed that she is 3 months pregnant. She is 17, so I always thought I would be the first to have child, her news came as a shock, but more than anything....i felt sickly jealous of her. Every tale of morning sickness and scans makes me frustrated even more.

My husband and friends know I am frustrated and stressing but there is little that they can say or do to alleviate my stress bubble that hangs over me. I calculate each ovulation and dread the awful tingly cramps which indicate the start of my period.

Today was the first day of my 3rd period since this has all began and I am starting to think that it will never happen.

My sister confirms that it took her a year and half to concieve as it did for my friend, Julie. But this doesnt help me in anyway. I dont think my stress levels can take 12 months of me torturing myself over and over again.

So, fellow Bloggers.....this is a diary of my pregnany aims.

My feelings/concerns and trials and errors will be monitored here for all of you to see and read.

Please nudge me if i ramble on a little.

I pray that next month will be my time and that I will be able to blog with my news.....but I have a feeling that I am going to be going on about this for a while yet.