Too Excited to Speak

I really dont want to get my hopes up too much, but today has gone a lot better than I would have hoped. Three days ago, I was gutted at what I thought was the arrival of my period. The disappointment was immense, but I took it on board and decided that I would have to just try again.

On Monday I had cramping and spotting which convinced me that the big bad witch was in town! So, I had a little cry to myself and dusted myself, preparing for a couple of days of discomfort. (I always suffer with bad stomach cramping).

Tuesday came and despite the mild cramping, the spotting had stopped, so I put it down to stress, what with the actual period due date not being until today, I didnt really worry about it. I had been a bit irregular before, so this felt no different.

Researching on the computer, I read up about the process of implantation bleeding and what the symptoms are etc. I wasnt trying to get my hopes up, but it was there at the back of my mind, so I figured I would just have a read.

There in black and white were my symptoms, but because these were so similar to period symptoms, I told myself that i wasnt having Implantation bleeding and that I was reading too much into it. Needless to say, my body changed again last night, which had me believe that yes...I was getting my period.

This morning I booked the day off work for Leave. I knew that with this being my due date then I would end up suffering quite bad with period pains, so I figured I would lie about and watch movies. I woke at 10am to my cat wanting to be fed and noticed that my stomach didnt feel the usual bloatedness and that I had no discomfort or pain. I checked myself in the bathroom and breathed in slowly trying not to get too hopeful, when I noticed that although there was some spotting, there was no period!

My mind raced. Could I, Couldnt I?

I got myself ready and walked to my sisters who lives around the corner and spoke to her and my mom at lengths about what my body had been doing. Both were as hopeful as me, but my mom advised that I could be stressing myself out too much and that this could be helping to mess up my cycle. I tried to remain calm and talked about the general family gossip, all the time having babies and more babies rolling around in my mind.

Later this afternoon, I picked up one of my many pregnancy tests and decided to take it. I figured that I would rather know that I wasnt than hang around hoping that I was.

Putting the test down, I saw the first strong red line appear, as I have witnessed before and skulked back into the bedroom, angry at myself for getting too hopeful. I lay down and had a little cry, feeling all round sorry for myself.

I went back into the bathroom and went to dispose of the test when something caught my eye.

There was a second line!!

Yes, it was very faint, but all the same it was there. I waved it excitedly at my hubby, who hugged me to him. He wants this just as much as me, but was worried that I would be getting my hopes up. I had to get another test, but I had run out of the ones I had.

So...I went out and brought a Clearblue Applicator, knowing that these were one of the most accurate on the market. I tried not to get too excited and waited for the LCD screen to flash up a 'Pregnant' or 'Not Pregnant'.

After what appeared to be an eternity, the screen flashed up with the words I had been hoping for.

PREGNANT!

I am so excited, I am going to see how the rest of the week pans out before I go any further and book doctors appointment etc. But I am remaining positive. Two tests saying positive! Can it be possible that they can be both wrong?

I am not even letting myself think like that, I feel different and that in itself tells me that the test is right!

:D

Baby Blues.....before the baby!

Two months ago, me and my husband sat down together and had the talk. The one which takes us into the future and scarily looks at the build up of responsibility.

We had the 'Shall we have kids' talk. And after much deliberation and hard thought, we decided that the time was right and surprisingly, I felt tremendously excited. We started trying straight away and spent hours in the bedroom, trying to create a mini him and her..... but two months later and two periods down the road, I am still trying to concieve.

Many might think, well....its only been two months, give it time....But I have never really been strong on patience, so I want it now. Everyday since we decided to take this huge step, I find myself thinking about babies more and more. Every child in a pram or pushchair has me cooing and slightly envious. The envy is growing stronger each day, especially as my sister has since confirmed that she is 3 months pregnant. She is 17, so I always thought I would be the first to have child, her news came as a shock, but more than anything....i felt sickly jealous of her. Every tale of morning sickness and scans makes me frustrated even more.

My husband and friends know I am frustrated and stressing but there is little that they can say or do to alleviate my stress bubble that hangs over me. I calculate each ovulation and dread the awful tingly cramps which indicate the start of my period.

Today was the first day of my 3rd period since this has all began and I am starting to think that it will never happen.

My sister confirms that it took her a year and half to concieve as it did for my friend, Julie. But this doesnt help me in anyway. I dont think my stress levels can take 12 months of me torturing myself over and over again.

So, fellow Bloggers.....this is a diary of my pregnany aims.

My feelings/concerns and trials and errors will be monitored here for all of you to see and read.

Please nudge me if i ramble on a little.

I pray that next month will be my time and that I will be able to blog with my news.....but I have a feeling that I am going to be going on about this for a while yet.