Where there once was sisterly love...

When I was 11, my mom announced she was pregnant. I already had two younger brothers so I eager for a sister so I was more than happy when M was born. I loved everything about her and I promised myself that I would always look after her.

As years went by, I kept my promise. I helped watch over her and guided her. Gave her advice about school, cuddled her when she fell and hugged her tightly, just because I could. It felt like she grew up in a blink of an eye. One minute she was my very cute younger sister who followed me around, the next minute she was a teenager concerned about her looks and boys. I watched as she got ready to go out. Carefully applying her make-up, dressing in going out clothes and straightening her long blonde locks. I loved watching her and in a way, I learnt about make up techniques etc myself.....even if I was in my late twenties.... :)

Her school friends were replaced by a boyfriend and I felt instantly on edge. My little sister was getting older, she didn't need me.....she relied on her boyfriend for care and support. I felt like I was pushed aside. I guess I didn't help matters by having a go at her about her decisions or choices; ones which I hated her making. I wasn't and am still not a big fan of her partners. He is selfish and he doesn't think about anyone but himself. He's not good for her.......

When she was 17, she moved out and got a place with L. Within 12 months or so, she was pregnant with her first child. To say I was disappointed was an understatement, I felt angry and upset that she was throwing her life away. But alas, it was not my life. She gave birth to C and a few years later M.

I love my nieces, I do. And I love my sister, but I feel so resentful towards her all of the time. I never feel like I appreciated. Where there was once respect and support from either or us, there is no sly digs and cold words. We try to cling on to what we was. We call each other names and act as we used to, but its not the same. I feel like I'm not needed......and in a way, I'm not. It's hard and I guess it's down to me to deal with these feelings.

I just feel sad when I think of everything i thought a sister would be......just to realize that it's nothing like what I imagined.